Turkey Stove Top Stuffing Day was excellent.
If you missed it, I created a post earlier regarding my lazy return to your browser’s favorites.
* According to a source at the Wall Street Journal — where every sports rube goes for up-to-the-minute information about their favorite squad — the Twins… “could” have interest in Derek Jeter. (Ed.: Now hold on just a second there, Ms. ‘Jesus Hates The Yankees’ T-Shirt Girl. Let me flesh this out before you start throwing things. And no, I ONLY KISS TWINS FANS Girl, “flesh” doesn’t mean that … or that.) It’s not going to happen. However, my point is this: You can’t hate everything about Jeter in a Twins uni.
There’s a laundry list of cons relating to why he would be an absurd fit in Minnesota, even in this fantastical scenario. His defense is less valuable than our current
womanizer solution, at more than twice the price. He’s coming off the worst offensive year of his entire career. He’s old enough to be the father of most of his romantic interests (18 + 18 = 36, Jeter’s age. And in some states, 18 + 16. Uh huh.) The list goes on, and exponentially predisposes me to more and more pocket pool jokes, so we’ll leave it at that.
But here’s what you can’t argue: Jeter would bring iconic status to the Cities — make that everywhere. He’d achieve his 3,000th hit as a Twin. He’d retire as a Twin. And if you believe in clubhouse chemists, he’d bring several pieces of the personality pie.
And not matter what the torture you’ve crafted for your (nonfunctioning) Yankee voodoo doll, you don’t hate Jeter in a Twins uniform as much as you think. Such a transition really wouldn’t be any different than accepting Brett Favre as your own after so many years playing with the enemy. I don’t particularly care how many times you chanted “Yan-kees Su-uck, <clap, clap, clap clap clap>,” either. And I get that you’re clever enough to make “suck” into a two-syllable word, you clever shrew, I get that. But you’d love Jeter, “that one chick from Friday Night Lights,” and all the drama classes he took in high school, in no time.
But let’s be clear: it will never happen (nor should it, from a statistical standpoint). I’m just trying to scare you silly Jeter-haters.
* Playoff shares for the three-and-out Twins were announced today… granting each player and several personnel members $30,883.43 apiece. For those disappointed in the quality of fanliness at each playoff home game, this will further shrivel your already-sour grapes. It appears the consolation prize after all the heartbreak is that the Twins yielded the biggest payout for a team eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, and the credit goes to the fans — fancy that.
As the MLB structures it, the playoff shares are channeled from 60% of the gate receipts (ticket sales) for the first three games of the ALDS (versus the Yankees). So, while they may have seemed under-enthused to most, the Minnesota crowd came out strong and ultimately — and financially — supported the squad. (Though, game three in New York probably brought in a sizable chunk as well.)
That’s beside my point, though. While many of you have been tirelessly scripting your offseason blueprints for the April 1, 2011 Dairy Queen Boys, I’ve been sizing up the “additional 10.71 partial (playoff) shares” dedicated to players who (a) had minuscule impact on the 2010 campaign, (b) were part of the Major League squad in 2010 at one point, but aren’t any longer, or (c) have since deceased — or so I understand it.
Obviously, the 25 guys in clubhouse for the ALDS defeat are getting their own full share — as is the intellectual outcast, Kevin Slowey, and the coaching staff, I think — so they don’t count.
So who is it that’s fighting over the bonus 10.71 shares? Here’s a good list of contenders to consider (or send care packages): Randy Flores, Brendan Harris, Luke Hughes, Trevor Plouffe, Jose Morales, Ben Revere, Clay Condrey(!), Ben Revere, Matt Fox, Anthony Slama, Rob Delaney, Ron Mahay, Manny Ramirez, Wally The Beer Man.
Brendan Harris should spend the money to legally change his first name to a slightly more obnoxious Brindon. Clay Condrey should buy a car for Jay Leno’s stable. Ben Revere should bribe Jason Repko to stop embarrassing him during warmups between innings in the outfield (rainbows, Repko.). Matt Fox should accept my creepy friendship request on Facebook. Randy Flores should find a hair transplant clinic that will take a look at his upper lip. And Wally The Beer Man should save up for a lake home in a neighboring state where underagers can legally sip on Four Loko/Joose under parental/adult supervision.
* And some good news about… our ensuing foreign exchange student program. The Minnesota Twins have brought back minor league first baseman, Justin Huber, after spending a full year with the Hiroshima Carp.
* On an unrelated note… it sounds as though Japanese phenom, Tsuyoshi Nishioka, is excited about the prospect of the playing for a winning organization like the Twins. It’s likely a lot of PR fluff, but he did specifically mention that he’s willing to play wherever the Twins would like him. This is good news for all of us season ticket-holders in the Hardy’s Heart-Throbs section at the Metrodome.
* I’m kind of music nut… which is super unique, I know. And because I listen to music that you don’t, that means my Volkswagen is more modest than yours. Yadda, yadda, Arcade Fire is God.
Just kidding. On all accounts. Especially the last one.
Either ya love ’em or you hate ’em: Matt & Kim with Cameras.
For my pirates: